It's slim pickings for new movies at the moment, so I thought I'd check out Transporter 4...er Crank 3....I mean Parker. The guy isn't exactly Lawrence Olivier, but Jason Statham is generally a safe bet if you just want to see sh!t blow up for a couple of hours. Hell, a few shots of J-Lo in skimpy outfits wouldn't exactly burn my eyes either. Besides, I'm connected, so I didn't have to pay for it anyway.
I'd say Parker is the worst movie I've seen so far this year, but I did catch Movie 43 last week. This thing is like watching two completely different movies crash into each other giving me a permanent brain injury, and I'm not sure which one was at fault. It's based on the novel, Flashfire, by Donald Westlake. Maybe he's the one that deserves my scorn, but to think that someone actually read it and thought it'd make a great movie leaves me completely dumbfounded. I can't believe I'm wasting more of my life explaining this mess, but here's the breakdown. The first movie involves Statham as Parker, a career thief with a heart of gold. Parker always does what he says he's going to do. He doesn't steal from anyone who can't afford it, and he never hurts anyone who doesn't deserve it. And like every other character that Jason Statham has every played, he's the f*cking Terminator. Parker agrees to rob the Ohio State Fair (yep, you read that correctly) with the help of Vic Mackey, Step from Extract, the token black guy and some cliched, inept nephew of a Chicago mob boss. Apparently Ohio takes the State Fair business very seriously, because each day's take is kept in a room straight out of a Vegas casino that is guarded by enough people to start a flash mob. Part of me expected George Clooney and Brad Pitt to show up at the same time with their own elaborate plan to make off with the loot. Anyway, I'm spoiling absolutely nothing by telling you that they make off with a million dollars worth of corn dog and funnel cake money, but when it comes time to make the split Vic Mackey insists on pooling everyone's take to bankroll an even bigger heist. Parker isn't down for that so the gang puts a bullet in his chest, but they've apparently never watched a Jason Statham movie or they would have known that it would only piss him off. From there the thing turns into a live action Grand Theft Auto movie where Parker steals more cars than Nicolas Cage in that sh!tty Gone in 60 seconds remake and collects a handgun from every single person he encounters for the next 40 minutes.....which brings us to the J-Lo dramedy. Jenny from the block is a down on her luck Realtor who got stuck with her ex husband's debt in a messy divorce and is now living with her overbearing mother and facing a repo on her Mazda unless she can score her first commission. For some reason completely unbeknownst to the audience Parker shows up in a cowboy hat doing the worst movie accent since Harrison Ford in K19:The Widowmaker, and asks J-Lo to show him some properties in hopes of finding the gang's new hideout. Long story short, she figures out what he's up to, offers to help and tries to f*ck him. This moron decides to be faithful to the absolute goblin he's dating (who's father is a completely pointless Nick Nolte) and declines to f*ck J-Lo, thereby making a completely improbable movie even more retarded. A few fights, twists and turns ensue and it was finally, mercifully over.
I honestly can't believe that I just spent that much time writing all of this, but I am relatively sure that reading it will be more entertaining than watching the movie. I feel dumber just for having seen it, but that's what I do here. I eat sh!t, so you don't have to. You're welcome.